Dancing with Change

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it and join the dance” ~Alan Watts

Experiencing change in my life has always been something I enjoyed, looked forward to and sometimes even sought after. For me, change has always been viewed as a new adventure, a chance to meet new people, learn new skills and grow as an individual. I’ve learned that every now and then I feel the restlessness settling in and I NEED change, even if it’s something as simple as rearranging the living room furniture or a new comforter for the bedroom. So here I am, finding myself feeling restless once again …..yet, this time it’s different. It’s unsettling, unwanted and uncomfortable.

I will admit that I’m one of those women that has always thought a lot about age. When I was a little girl, I couldn’t wait to become a teenager and it was pretty good. Next, I found myself anxious to reach my 20’s where I imagined having my own apartment, boyfriend, no curfew and grocery shopping for myself would be so cool ….and it was! Marriage and a baby soon followed those early twenties putting me on that roller coaster called “Motherhood” leaving me with 3 little boys, exhausted yet utterly fulfilled. So much so, that I don’t even remember anticipating my 30’s because they were a blessed whirlwind of ball games, soccer, boy scouts, church programs, school functions, laundry, boo-boo’s and bedtime stories. Lordy, lordy, then came 40! What in the world??? For the first time in my life, I was NOT anxiously awaiting this age! My little boys were getting bigger, the baby was beginning kindergarten, the husband was consumed with his medical practice and I suddenly found myself wondering things like …”Who am I? “What do I do with my time?” “What do I enjoy?” and “What is my purpose?”.  It was difficult and uncomfortable and I knew that it was time for a change. So I did what I always did when I had this feeling …I went shopping! Because who doesn’t feel better after buying a new pair of shoes, right?? Right! So, while I was standing in front of the mirror in the department store admiring the new shoes I was about to purchase, it hit me ….I knew at that moment the change had to be ME! It was time to focus on me for a change and the first thing I wanted to do was lose all of that “Motherhood” weight I had gained over the years. Admittedly, at first, it was 100% about being thinner. I had always been thin and never had to worry about weight at all. However; birthing babies, years of ball park food and all of those evening glasses of wine intended to help wind down after a long day of chasing three little boys around changes that metabolism a bit! But what began as an “oh my gosh! When did I get so fat?” journey, quickly turned into an “oh my gosh! I feel so healthy” journey and I’ve never looked back. It’s been the best gift I’ve ever given to myself and my only regret is that I didn’t see the value in this lifestyle sooner. I began running and lifting weights and quickly reached my weight goal. But that was just another number ….a number on a scale. That number meant far more than what I weighed. It represented my health, accomplishment, both mental and physical strength and endless possibilities for the future. Now, let me be clear, I’m just your average runner …some would even say just a “jogger”. Over the past 10 years I’ve run 7 half marathons, 5k’s and 10k’s too numerous to count and a few duathlons. I’m slower than a turtle running through peanut butter, but I run. I run to stay healthy, I run to stay sane an I run because it makes me happy.

With all of that being said, we’ve come full circle …back to the beginning of this post, back to the purpose of this blog. Here I am, standing on the edge of change, feeling frustrated with myself for placing so much importance on a number …an age. The big one, the big FAT 50! And this one stings, it hurts my pride and it just plain sucks. Not because I feel lost like before; not at all! I’ve found myself over the past ten years and I like her a lot. But I’m changing against my own will; my body is changing, hormones are changing, those dang hot flashes are torturing me, my normal workout routine is just not cutting it anymore, it’s requiring more and more exercise to maintain and that really ticks me off, I seem to be plagued with running injuries preventing me from exercising, further fueling my irritability and zero patience for stupidity! Wow, I must seem like a summer picnic for all the men in my house!! By the way …I must take a second to say that I do have the most wonderfully loving, patient and understanding hubby ever to walk this earth! (Thank God for ‘second chances’!)

Whether it is sought after or whether it seeks us out, change is inevitable. I know this, so how do I embrace this change?

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new”   ~Socrates

And there it is …the answer to a question posed in 2016 is as old as Socrates himself. I will embrace this change with courage, humility, confidence and as much humor as possible. For I’m in search of the woman I’ve yet to become!

“Fabulous” found me at 40 and now I’m on a mission of Finding “Fabulous” at Fifty!  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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